I can now see the difference when I look at myself naked in the mirror. Apparently, this is the stage where you can start to see it, and it's a real boost. My formerly tight trousers are now pretty baggy, and I'm going to need a trip to the shops fairly soon at this rate. I've really settled into the diet now, not really missing food (with the exception of the odd bacon sandwich), and now I'm seeing the benefit I'm feeling quite positive about the whole thing. I'm mastering the art of going for a bath when I feel like eating, which takes the cravings away. Looking on target for being under 15stone by my birthday, which would be marvellous.

Two women at work have asked me what my secret is as I've lost so much weight, and I don't think there's a better endorsement than that!

Unfortunately there's a lot more going on outside the diet which is is really stressing me out, but at least I'm not comfort eating any more.

Weigh in today, and I don't know what to say. I'm down to 16 stone 5 pounds, a whole 10 pounds gone in 10 days! I'm astonished! So was Jane, my CDC. It's doubly amazing given the fact I ate food on Friday, and all the stress and stuff. 10 pounds!!

No wonder all my clothes are starting to look a bit funny...

Feeling better this morning, and with good reason. While I was getting dressed I noticed my smart "interview" suit hanging up. I haven't worn that suit for almost 9 months, and it was almost too tight to wear then. I tried it on. It fit! Perfectly! It's been about 21/2 since I bought that suit, and to have it fit me again is enormously reassuring. even better, I have another suit from 4 years ago, which hasn't fitted since I was about 20, but I've kept as it was quite expensive (it's in a size 16/small 18). Buoyed up by my earlier success, I tried that on too. It's tight on me, a bit too tight to wear out, but I can get it on and do it up now, which is marvellous! So my next goal is to fit that suit perfectly by the end of March.

I dreamed last night that I was thin, not really thing, but about a size 14. It was weird, imagining myself to be that size, so much lighter on my feet and active. I woke to find myself not that slim, but still slimmer than I have been in a long time. I can do this! (even if my scales say I've put on 3 stone in a day- I think there's something wrong with those scales...)

Lots of marking and school work to do today, I just need to get the impetus to do it!

Humph. Woke up today with a sense of purpose and a real get-go attitude. Walked about 5 miles today, but when I got back I crashed. Hard. Became sulky, angry, spent half an hour in bed in a grump. My mood is swinging really badly at the moment, I don't know why.

Tim is suffering from depression at the moment, and the last thing he needs is a grumpy, teary, angry, sulky girlfriend making him feel bad. I'm becoming the girlfriend I never wanted to be, just at the time when he needs me the most.

I know that the diet is not the sole reason for my mood swings (work is being incredibly difficult at the moment, and I'm really worried about Tim) but it's not helping the situation at the moment.

I want to lose this weight so badly, I'm starting to obsess about it. I'm eyeing myself in the mirror at every opportunity, looking for signs that I've lost weight. I'm bugging Tim almost constantly about whether I look like I've lost weight, or if I should continue, or is it worth it. I've developed this weird kind of neuroses that I never had before. I imagine that it's come from having to truly confront my eating issues and the idea of being slim for the first time in a long time.

I'm just wondering if I've biting off more than I can chew right now. Work is really, really hard, and I need to be strong for the man I love. I had an extra foodpack today, just to cheer myself up a bit instead of eating something I really shouldn't, but I still feel pretty low.

I caved. Well, not exactly caved, but was put in a position where to not eat wouldn't have really been an option. We met up with Tim's brother this evening (first time I've ever met him) and we went out for a few drinks (I stuck to water). However, he decided to buy us dinner and I couldn't really say no. I had a chicken salad, and left the croutons. I felt sick afterwards, partly from eating, partly from the shame. I didn't eat anything afterwards and managed not to buy any more food on the way home. Instead, treated myself to some nice bubble bath, face mask and expensive shampoo, and a trashy magazine. I felt silly buying it, but my word was it nice to just kick back and be girly for once.

On the plus side, my nice school trousers are now waaay too big to wear. They nearly fell off today, which is pretty good. Won't be long before I have to buy some new kit (unless I've put on loads of weight with that salad)

Haven't taken any yet, and my LLC didn't give me a note of them when I was measured by her...

Hips 49"
waist- 40.5"
bust- 45"

And dropping...

I think I made a good call. The caramel bar was almost as good as the real thing, with lovely chewy toffee and actual chocolate. One of the girls on work thought it was a proper chocolate bar and berated me for breaking the diet! :-) The banana tetra-brik thing was tasty as well, and the tomato soup was fabulous! Almost as good as the real thing, and  a welcome  change from vegetable soup.  I feel less hungry  on CD as well, even during the school day when I'm not drinking a lot of water. 

According to my bathroom scales I am 16 stone, might double check with the scales in school to see if that's any way accurate. It'll be another week before I have an official WI, and it would be nice to have an update on the fat situation (definitely lost weight though!)

More clothes porn, shallow as it sounds it's quite helpful to have something to gun for when I'm in need of some reinforcement of what I'm doing.

Teaching is both a great and an awful job to do whilst dieting, especially a VLCD.

The good points:

You're not really in a position to snack during the day as you're in lessons
There's nothing really appetising in the canteen, and you don't have to go in there if you don't want to
You're on your feet all day, being active, which is great for your health
Teachers are, on the whole, a very supportive bunch

The bad points:

It's incredibly stressful, and I like to eat when I'm stressed
Where I work I can smell the canteen, which can put me on edge a bit
Cakes. Everywhere.

The boss is away on paternity leave, but he popped in for an hour or so today, and brought in loads, and I mean loads, of cakes and pastries. Lots of my favourite things too, doughnuts, Danishes etc. Someone else had brought back chocolates from their holiday at half term, it was a veritable line-up of What Not To Eat. I was fine during the day, even though in the afternoon, when I was sitting marking stuff in the staffroom and they were close enough to smell, but my reserve nearly cracked in a meeting, when they were cut up into smaller pieces and sat right next to me.

But I prevailed. I felt quite good about it on the walk home, that I had met my foe and conquered it, but now I'm feeling a bit low. There's a part of me that still really wants that food and is quite...irritated that I didn't eat it, which sounds bizarre but it's true. I have 2 packs left with LL, but a couple of milkshakes just doesn't seem that good in comparison.

That is utterly, utterly pathetic. I'm not depriving myself, I beat that craving and I beat it good.

Fear my Iron Will!!

Dress porn of the week...

 

I called today and left LL, which makes me feel a lot better. after tomorrow I'll be on CD packs, and a whole new set of things to review.

I suppose the thing of the day is being at school and on this diet. It's nigh-on impossible to drink all the water I should there, and that's probably a good thing as we're not allowed toilet breaks during lessons. This meant that I was actually hungry for the first time on a while today, so will need to work something out.

The good news is that some of my clothes are too big! I put on a pair of trousers today and they were definitely too big to wear outside, which is fabulous. A lot of people were remarking on how much weight I've lost already, and are all very supportive. I won't know how much I've lost until next Tuesday, when I'm hoping I'll have lost a lot.

It's great, I'm feeling really positive about this going into week 3, a lot more so than this time last week. I think it's because I've settled into a routine now, I'm comfortable with what I'm doing and I've lost a visible amount of weight, so I know I'm doing the right thing.

Well, I still haven't "cheated", despite wanting to. To be honest, the cravings aren't too bad, but I'd really like to go out for a nice meal with Tim tonight and I'm a bit down that we can't. I don't want much, a chicken salad would do fine, but it's not easy at the moment.

Apart from wanting food, nothing really to report. Have upped my water intake to 6l a day, have found that if I drink too much I get a headache so trying to drink little and often. Still haven't called my LLC to inform her of my defection, not looking forward to it, I hate confrontation.

Currently having my second vegetable soup of the day. It's not bad, but I still wish it was something more substantial...

...this dress from Monsoon.

Saw Jane, my new CD counsellor today. She was lovely! Very friendly, very positive, it felt a lot more laid-back than LL which is just right for me! I paid my money and am now stocked until a week on Tuesday (27th). she weighed me before I left as a starting point for being on CD- I'm at 17 stone! That's a stone in 10 days! *does happy dance*. Now to lose the other six stone...

2,000 words in a day, regarding weight loss and wibbling does suggest the lack of anything better to do with my time! Still, it's half term, it's my blog, and as I can't sleep (again) I may as well write something, make myself useful, if only to my own head.

Funny thing, ketosis. The idea of my body digesting itself is, I dunno, slightly weird. I appreciate it's completely natural, that this is what happens to the bosy in times of starvation, that that is what the fat is for, but it's still a bit weird. That said, it's not like anything I'll miss, so I can put up with a little weirdness.

Talking to frog snr. this evening, she's very interested in the Cambridge Diet, and might start it depending on how well I do on it, which I think is a positive sign. She is very supportive, just slightly concerned about what I'm putting myself through. It is quite extreme when I think about it, I am essentially starving myself, but it will be worth it. I'm already at the stage of being able to pull these jeans down without unzipping them, which is great! (if a bit too much information).

Anyway, starting to get a bit tired, and so to bed. I wonder if anyone will read after this after the marathon tirade of today...

Meeting with a CDC tomorrow at 3. SSing with Cambridge will cost me £32.50. Rock on!

Further to my epic post earlier about my preference for self-analysis, I began thinking about the reasons for my obesity (as defined by my BMI- currently at 38). Whilst there are people for whom obesity can be attributed to something that happens naturally, over a long period of time, as someone who is only 23, in my case there must be deeper issues. Why am I fat? Why do I place such importance on food and eating? Where has this come from?

• Genetics. My mother's side of the family has traditionally been fairly short and round. I've inherited my dad's height, but my body shape from my mother. However, my sister, who is also tall and a similar body shape, is significantly thinner than me (but by no means thin). so I doubt genetics is to blame, beyond a possible predisposition towards obesity.
  
• Family/parents and childhood. A lot of my happy childhood memories are linked with eating. My mother once told me that when I was very small, I used to love chocolate buttons (still do), so she'd give them to me to see me smile and giggle. I've associated "treats" with food ever since I can remember. Not that there was sweets and crisps in the house all the time, but that made having chocolate etc. all the more exciting. i am also in that age bracket that came after home-made meals made from scratch, and the current healthy eating fad. not that every meal consisted of fishfingers and oven chips, but a lot of them were. Nobody is to blame for this, there must be millions of people for whom the average dinner involved something that came out the freezer. Despite my parents gallant attempts to get me to eat broccolli, vegetables were never a big feature in my diet, and it's been that way all my life. There was also a big thing about eating fast, and finishing everything. Mum, if you're reading this, I don't blame you in the least!
• Self-hatred. I've always been a bit overweight, and suffered accordingly at school. To detract from the misery, I'd eat. Comfort eating has always been a big feature in my life. In fact, I'll eat for pretty much any emotional reason. Bored? Eat. Sad? Eat. Stressed? Eat. Though looking at it through my new lens, it would appear that it was always for more negative reasons that positive. It is also borne out of a desire to disappear. I've always been a bit of a tomboy, but as I've got older this has turned into an excuse not to take care of myself. Eventually, I've grown to detest the reality of how I really look. In my head is this perfect image of me, but when I see myself in a mirror I'm shocked and a little repulsed. Dieting and failing in the past has been an admission of how hideous I am, so i'd comfort eat to feel better. Rinse and repeat
• To please others- I'm another one of those people who slims down when single, and balloons when in a relationship. All three of my serious adult relationships have had a close link with food. All of my partners have cooked for me, taken me out for meals and (in my head at least) have suggested that I eat to please them, that the food is a symbol of their love and to deny them is a bad thing. I've gone with this for years, not just to please them but also as it soothed the "I'm fat and hideous" voice (if the man I love thinks I'm slim enough to feed me, then I must be slim!). When I'm alone, I don't buy much in the way of snacks and will cook simple, low-fat meals for myself. With a partner, then I must impress and be impressed.
  
• Oral fixation and an addictive personality- I have both and it's done little for my health. I've always had a thing for putting things in my mouth and chewing/smoking etc. I used to chew plastic things, I used to smoke (it was quitting smoking that inspired me to lose weight), and eating would give me intense pleasure, and would drive me to "graze", just for the oral fix. Whilst I've never had a drug or alcohol addiction, I have noticed a certain inability to stop something once I have started, and this goes double when it comes to food. I can't eat a little of something and that's enough, I must consume it all, and look for more. A little slice of that cake will not do, and I'll return to it again and again until it's gone. I just couldn't help myself, even if I felt full and eating was making me sick, I couldn't stop. I was an addict, a slave to it.
  

It's a big rag-bag of reasons, but I'm sure I'm not alone. I know I have a long way to go before I beat this addiction and fully get to grips with the reasoning behind it, but it's a start.

Last night Tim remarked on how much weight I've lost recently, and looking at myself in the mirror I think he's right. My favourite jeans are indeed starting to slip down, and I might need to get myself one of those belt things. Progress!

I've had some really interesting and thought-provoking comments posted recently regarding my doubts about LL and possible conversion to the Cambridge Diet. One wrote that I had embarked on a course of therapy, and therefore I owed it to myself to see that course through to the end. This got me thinking. It is a good point, and having embarked on counselling in the past (for PTSD) things do tend to get worse before they get better. However, I do feel that there are differences in this case, and I will attempt to outline my feelings regarding the LL program.

LL seems to be all about having faith in the system, as well as having faith in yourself. The videos, the circle time, the leaflets, the rigid structure, all point towards a feeling of "you'll never make it by yourself". i don't think this is true. Just as I don't believe one can overcome depression or addiction until one feels truly ready to, so it is with food. The diets I tried before did not work because I wasn't ready to lose weight, for a number of reasons. I never truly believed that I could lose weight, so I didn't. Now, I am in a totally different headspace, and I feel ready to lose the weight. It's the way I felt when I came off anti-depressants. No real event had happened, things didn't automatically get easier for me, but one day I woke up and felt ready. So it is this time.

LL works fantastically if, having made that decision, you still need structure and discipline from an exterior source to help you see your decision through, but for my part, I don't think that I do. Sole-sourcing like this has meant that I have had to delve into my reasons for being overweight, in a way that I couldn't have before I made the choice to slim down, but LL has not played a huge part in that. I am a very reflective person, and achieve a lot simply through thinking things through and getting them down on paper (as it were). Whilst I agree that LL has a lot to offer a lot of people, I don't think it is right for me. I'm gone through too much to have faith in anyone or anything except myself.
The LL Program seems too cynical to me in a lot of ways. The price tag is prohibitively high for what you get. I know that the slimming business is booming, but their attitude seems excessive.

If you assume that you get the same product on CD as you do on LL, then you are paying over £30 a week for the couselling session every week. Given that every session lasts 90 minutes, and that 30 of those is taken up with people paying and weighing, that leaves an hour. Minus the DVD (20 minutes), you're left with 40 minutes actual "therapy" time. That's 75p a minute (£45 an hour). divide the amount of time you personally get, by the number in a group (I'll say 6 as a conservative estimate) and that's 6.6 minutes, or £4.50 a minute for some one-on-one counselling, or  £270 an hour. Were I to go to the local counselling centre for an hour's session, it would cost me £40 for an initial assessment. I think the numbers speak for themselves, and that is before we factor in the cost of extras, like the water flavouring at £9.00 a throw.

I admit that my "£4.50" figure is a little excessive, and that the group dynamic is part of the program, but even with my figure of 75p a minute per person in a group of six, it's still expensive. There is an argument that if the program was substantially cheaper, then people would not take it so seriously and would "cheat". I was told that every time I cheated I was throwing away £66, and that no food was worth that. this is true, and the price tag does demand a certain loyalty. In the initial video I was shown, the question of cost did arise. the woman's answer to "what do you say to those who think it too expensive?" was "How much do you think you are worth? How much is your health worth to you?" An excellent answer, and one that demands thought. However, for someone in my situation, when my pay barely covers rent, groceries, tax, bills and driving lessons (which I need), £264 a month is a substantial amount. My partner and I are looking to buy a house soon, and in the current climate that requires savings, savings which we are currently not capable of making. so personally, I do not feel that LL offers me value for money, when that is something that is an issue to me at this stage in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight and sole sourcing (SSing) has given me great results so far and I intend to stick with it, but I do not feel that Lighter Life is the way for me.

Cambridge Diet is £35 cheaper than LighterLife. That's a cool £140 a month. I think my choice has already been made, for financial reasons if nothing else...

And so we progress into Week 2. My belly has started to make interesting noises and I've been head rushing a bit today, not sure why (dehydration?) TBH a small part of me was hoping for a bigger loss last night, even though on a "normal" diet it would have taken ages to lose as much as I have in 7 days. I think I found group a little demoralising as well, I'm not sure why. I think I find the whole idea slightly uncomfortable- the DVD has a lot  of slogans set to gentle music, and it just seems a little...weird. Whilst the TA stuff last night was good, I feel I have very little in common with the others and don't feel any particular group "bond". Perhaps that will come in time but at the moment I feel a bit too "Angry Young Woman", and I don't think my tirade against the body-fascist society that we live in went down well.

I'm starting to wonder if this program really is for me. Going on a VLCD has done a lot towards getting me to reevaluate my feelings about food and why I eat, but I'm not sure LL is really the best way for me to lose this weight. I DO want to lose the weight, and I think VLCD is the way to do it, but I'm not sure if the LL method is right for me. I will give it another couple of weeks though, but I don't think meetings should leave me feeling negative like this...

..the contemplation. I have lost a MIGHTY 9.7lbs this week, almost 4lb more than I thought! Go me! I had secretly been hoping for double figures but it's close enough.

Group meetings are weird. I'm not sure if I'm just a gobby cow (probably) but everyone else still seems reluctant to speak their mind. Looking back I may have hogged the floor a little, but I see the group time as an opportunity to really dig into these issues and say how we feel, and the other members don't seem to be doing that. No doubt they're at home, saying that I'm an opinionated little so-and-so :D

Still, I feel it was helpful. Did lots of Transactional Analysis this evening, which was interesting. The thing that struck me most was my definition of the word "Treat". I see that word and immediately think of this.., and find it very difficult to think of everything else that could be defined as such. At group, someone suggested that I could buy make-up, face-packs, go for a haircut etc. instead of sweeties. I started thinking about why I rarely make an effort to improve my appearance. I virtually never wear make-up, get my hair done etc. Why? I should start taking more care of it- I'm not as hideous as I used to think.